Post trauma growing up

I feel I should end this blog with one last entry. I left Berlin in May in order to make it back to Sweden in time for the qigong summer course I always attend. This year the course was the best ever, as always. But it was weird. Because at the end I gave up, I thought I wouldn't be able to get any further during the last few days. (Usually a lot happens at end so this was indeed a strange thought.) When I came home I crashed. I spent two weeks doing nothing. I had no energy, not even to practise qi gong! (I did finish two 1000 pieces puzzles, a practise I had forgotten the joy of.)

But then I woke up, slowly returning to life. After a while it became clear to me why I had this huge dip. I was finally realising I am just a man. I will not become a buddha in this life. I have flaws just like we all do. Damn. But it sure is nice to be a man.

Being a monk in Berlin

So, I ended up in Berlin. At a friend's place, a friend with plenty of space but no time. So the deal is to basically be an au pair. I go grocery shopping, cook and make the dishes, some times bring her kids to school, or from school.

As I first got to Berlin I was still on my way south, just having a pause, improving my equipment and planning what to do next. Every day I would have a cappuccino while exploring the city on a bike. Then I realised I was running out of money and besides I could fix the equipment later. So I stopped shopping and just looked for the best coffee in Berlin

I couldn't quite understand how my money disappeared, but it did, so I was making all kinds of ambitious plans for work. Look for people to work with, look for ideas, look for companies etc. But... it didn't feel right. (Read more about feelings and energies in my short story about how I got to Berlin.)

I met beautiful women who in the end ran away. I met potential friends who ended up silent. I found companies, ideas and people that ended up in nothing. All the time I was very kind to myself, doing a lot of qi gong, sleeping as much as I needed and just enjoying life. To be. So why did nothing work out?

I know from the wisdom gotten through qi gong that when doing right, everything just flows. It all comes to you. But I didn't get shit.

I tried to get to the core by peeling the onion, layer by layer. Well, being on a bike trip most layers were already gone! I had very few material things to worry about. Housing and food paid for. No friends, yet, but looking. Having a coffee every day... Ok, so I skipped having the daily coffee. I stopped looking for friends or potential partners. Stopped thinking about money, gave up all job plans.





So now I am practically a monk. I shop food. I cook. I do the dishes. I sit by the fireplace. I play with the kids if they care to, or bring them to or from school if need be. I practise qi gong. I sleep a lot.

I am at peace.

Ha! What utter crap! I am not in peace, by any means, but now my life is as peaceful as it can be. My body is softer than it has ever been. I have no desires. I am calm and sense my inner self, the energies of the universe better than ever before. I am becoming more gentle, peaceful and loving.

The end of the beginning

All my life I have had the feeling of wanting forward, of never to stagnate, of wanting constant progress in search of something. For a long time it was unclear to me what that something was and I didn't know where to go, what to do. But during the last 15 years it has become clear to me it is love I have been looking for.
It has been hell! I have fought, I have destroyed, I have cried, I have twisted my brain, I have hurt people, I have acted like an asshole but always trying to do the right thing, to take yet another step in the right direction, no matter how tough it has been. I knew I was fighting for something much greater than me, so what did my little life matter. I had to continue.

First I reached out. I have had more relationships than I can remember. I have tried writing, I have hundreds of emails where I have discussed life with loads of people, most of them now unknown to me. I continued the intellectual search with classic Freudian therapy and CBT which made me more aware, intellectually, but it didn't really help. Then I found Zhineng Qigong which has proven to be an absolutely brilliant tool to reach within oneself.

Because within yourself, that is where the key to love is. There is no lack of love, there is no such thing as lack of love. But it is your ability to love that fails. Love is a universal power! It is there for everybody. We can all access it. But you have to clean up whatever mess it is in you that makes it impossible for you to feel it, sense it, be filled with it, become a part of it. To love.

All this trip I have had the feeling of being guided. The realisation I was now strong enough to leave came in January. So I applied for a year off. Then came the idea of an e-bike tour. So I got all the gear, left my apartment and then Sweden. The trip has also been hell! I have cursed, I have frozen, I have yelled, I have suffered but all the time I have had a strong feeling of being on the right track. Being on my way to discover love.

I got there this weekend. I am filled with love. My eyes shine. I expire love! I now understand what it is all about. But there is no point for me to tell you about it because you have to get there yourself. Sure, there are tools that can help you but you have to find out your own truth. YOU have to learn how to love. No one can do that for you. So come on! Get out there, look for your path to love! It is so worth it. The best thing is it will save the world, and how we need that now!

Qi gong power

At Acorn we each year conduct a physical test at Aktivitus which gives a good measure of the current health state. Last time I did the test running but this time I biked instead. So, the status before the adventure starts is as follows.
Note the lactate measured - they were quite surprised! Also note that I have done no crossfit since April, longest run in the last two years is 3x400m (crossfit) and the longest bike ride was 40 km, 20 years ago. Qi gong power, that's all I can say, so thank you European Zhineng Qigong!

• Blood pressure  129/76 mmHg (down from 138/78)
• Hemoglobin 156 g/l (down from 166, but well within the 130-170 range)
• Glucose 6,3 mmol/l (up from 5,8 but within the 4-7 range)
• LDL 2,5 mmol/l (down from 3,19)
• HDL 1,6 mmol/l (down from 2,07, worse but still >1,0)
• Total cholesterole 2,9 (up from 2,6 but still <4,0)
• Triglycerides 1,0 mmol/l (down from 1,32)
• VO2max  47,6 ml/(kg*min) (down from 56,6 but apparently running and biking give very different results)
• Absorption of oxygen ability 4,0 l/min (down from 4,73)
• Max pulse, estimated 190 bpm
• Max pulse, measured 185 bpm (up from 183)
• Anaerobic threshold 160 bpm (down from 170) or 210 W or 2,50 W/kg
• Aerobic threshold 145 bpm (down from 155) or 160 W or 1,90 W/kg
• Lactate, max measured 15,5 mmol/l (up from 10,5)
• Body fat 22% (an "acceptable" level)

Biking for days on end I must keep below the aerobic threshold of 145 bpm. And I'm pretty sure the body fat will go down, maybe even to the "fitness" level below 18. (The "athletic" level is below 13 which is probably impossible loving cream and cappuccini as much as I do!)