Post trauma growing up

I feel I should end this blog with one last entry. I left Berlin in May in order to make it back to Sweden in time for the qigong summer course I always attend. This year the course was the best ever, as always. But it was weird. Because at the end I gave up, I thought I wouldn't be able to get any further during the last few days. (Usually a lot happens at end so this was indeed a strange thought.) When I came home I crashed. I spent two weeks doing nothing. I had no energy, not even to practise qi gong! (I did finish two 1000 pieces puzzles, a practise I had forgotten the joy of.)

But then I woke up, slowly returning to life. After a while it became clear to me why I had this huge dip. I was finally realising I am just a man. I will not become a buddha in this life. I have flaws just like we all do. Damn. But it sure is nice to be a man.

Being a monk in Berlin

So, I ended up in Berlin. At a friend's place, a friend with plenty of space but no time. So the deal is to basically be an au pair. I go grocery shopping, cook and make the dishes, some times bring her kids to school, or from school.

As I first got to Berlin I was still on my way south, just having a pause, improving my equipment and planning what to do next. Every day I would have a cappuccino while exploring the city on a bike. Then I realised I was running out of money and besides I could fix the equipment later. So I stopped shopping and just looked for the best coffee in Berlin

I couldn't quite understand how my money disappeared, but it did, so I was making all kinds of ambitious plans for work. Look for people to work with, look for ideas, look for companies etc. But... it didn't feel right. (Read more about feelings and energies in my short story about how I got to Berlin.)

I met beautiful women who in the end ran away. I met potential friends who ended up silent. I found companies, ideas and people that ended up in nothing. All the time I was very kind to myself, doing a lot of qi gong, sleeping as much as I needed and just enjoying life. To be. So why did nothing work out?

I know from the wisdom gotten through qi gong that when doing right, everything just flows. It all comes to you. But I didn't get shit.

I tried to get to the core by peeling the onion, layer by layer. Well, being on a bike trip most layers were already gone! I had very few material things to worry about. Housing and food paid for. No friends, yet, but looking. Having a coffee every day... Ok, so I skipped having the daily coffee. I stopped looking for friends or potential partners. Stopped thinking about money, gave up all job plans.





So now I am practically a monk. I shop food. I cook. I do the dishes. I sit by the fireplace. I play with the kids if they care to, or bring them to or from school if need be. I practise qi gong. I sleep a lot.

I am at peace.

Ha! What utter crap! I am not in peace, by any means, but now my life is as peaceful as it can be. My body is softer than it has ever been. I have no desires. I am calm and sense my inner self, the energies of the universe better than ever before. I am becoming more gentle, peaceful and loving.

The end of the beginning

All my life I have had the feeling of wanting forward, of never to stagnate, of wanting constant progress in search of something. For a long time it was unclear to me what that something was and I didn't know where to go, what to do. But during the last 15 years it has become clear to me it is love I have been looking for.
It has been hell! I have fought, I have destroyed, I have cried, I have twisted my brain, I have hurt people, I have acted like an asshole but always trying to do the right thing, to take yet another step in the right direction, no matter how tough it has been. I knew I was fighting for something much greater than me, so what did my little life matter. I had to continue.

First I reached out. I have had more relationships than I can remember. I have tried writing, I have hundreds of emails where I have discussed life with loads of people, most of them now unknown to me. I continued the intellectual search with classic Freudian therapy and CBT which made me more aware, intellectually, but it didn't really help. Then I found Zhineng Qigong which has proven to be an absolutely brilliant tool to reach within oneself.

Because within yourself, that is where the key to love is. There is no lack of love, there is no such thing as lack of love. But it is your ability to love that fails. Love is a universal power! It is there for everybody. We can all access it. But you have to clean up whatever mess it is in you that makes it impossible for you to feel it, sense it, be filled with it, become a part of it. To love.

All this trip I have had the feeling of being guided. The realisation I was now strong enough to leave came in January. So I applied for a year off. Then came the idea of an e-bike tour. So I got all the gear, left my apartment and then Sweden. The trip has also been hell! I have cursed, I have frozen, I have yelled, I have suffered but all the time I have had a strong feeling of being on the right track. Being on my way to discover love.

I got there this weekend. I am filled with love. My eyes shine. I expire love! I now understand what it is all about. But there is no point for me to tell you about it because you have to get there yourself. Sure, there are tools that can help you but you have to find out your own truth. YOU have to learn how to love. No one can do that for you. So come on! Get out there, look for your path to love! It is so worth it. The best thing is it will save the world, and how we need that now!

Ending the first leg

The first leg of this trip is to Berlin, which I want to reach before my birthday on 1 November, and it all looked very well in the beginning. The speed was a bit slow but I compensated that by taking the ferry from Trelleborg to Sassnitz instead of going through Denmark.

Other problems were becoming increasingly annoying, though. First of all the 400 Wh bike battery is not enough with this heavy load. Second, when charging it with the charging battery it was drained. And once drained I could never fill it up again.

The solar system just does not do. At least not in northern Europe at this time of the year. Not if the weather is as shite as it has been, at least. I haven't seen the sun in a week!

So, the conclusion of this first leg is to not depend on solar energy at this time of the year this far north, not if the anount of solar panels is limited, at least.

There is no point continuing but I will now take the train to Berlin. I will simply use other eco-friendly tools to make up for the time I've lost. Hopefully the system will prove to be adequate further south.

The irony of life and the art of following the flow

The other day I had to stealth camp at the beach in Baabe, Rügen. The day after, as I was giving up hope on finding a suitable spot for the night, a friend of mine, Elaine, told me she had relatives on Rügen! I tore the camp down and went riding.

I didn't know where to go, all I knew was they were probably in Bergen auf Rügen now and would either go to Baabe or continue to Lietsow for the night. I went to the road between these places and looked left and right. Where should I go? They were at a yoga class so there was no way to find out and it was getting dark. I had to take a chance.

So I took a chance and went towards Bergen/Lietsow. As I was rolling downhill I had a bad feeling though, so I stopped and talked with Elaine on the phone for a long while. We came to the conclusion I should continue to Lietsow. But as we were parting I asked her "left or right?" and she said left, the direction of Baabe!

It felt right, so I went. Almost in Baabe I stopped at a fastfood/beer place in Sellin and ordered beer and sausage as the phone called. It was Elaine's mother and they were coming by on their way to Baabe (!) in 30 minutes, just enough for me to enjoy my food and beverage and contemplate how good it is to listen to the qi field.

Now the two lovely ladies are hosting me for three nights, including coffee on the bed (!) and I have gotten the strength to continue. I have filled the cooler with food and have booked a youth hostel in Greifswald for tomorrow and the weather forecast doesn't look too bad. The only problem is my charge battery is empty but let's save that shot for another post. :)

Stealth camping on the German riviera

Already when I arrived to Skåne I realised I had not thought about the higher population density going south. In fact, I haven't camped since I left Halland and Germany is even worse. But, being a good boy I went to the tourist office in the lovely village of Binz and asked. She said all forests are protected but the beaches are free, as an "emergency escape". Cool, I thought and didn't think further about the look in her face.

Off I went, heading for the beaches south of Sellin. Slowly I got conserned. All beaches had a sign saying Hochwasserschutzgebiet, High tide protection area, enter at your own risk. On the other side of the boardwalk were houses. Damn!

As it got darker the small patches of trees in front of the houses showed to be a possible solution. I found a lower spot with a couple of trees and started to set up the tarp. It was hardly possible to see! But I was worried about the residents so I sneaked around, slowly building the camp, trying to act like any tourist. The fact I had a video conference with my colleagues at the same time did not help!

It soon got dark and I knew I was safe until dawn. I do not like acting like this but tonight the same thing happens. This time I've passed Groß-Stresow and there are no houses but some national park guys drove by and said I'd better move. "But if it rains it will be an emergency escape" he added, so for a while I stayed, hoping for rain. But then I saw a notice on Facebook from a friend in Frankfurt am Main about her having relatives on Rügen so I packed my gear and left, believing it would sort itself out. Let's see!

Stealth camping on the German riviera

Finally! A day of rest. I decided to take the ferry from Trelleborg to Sassnitz instead of going through Denmark, which saves me many days. The reason for shortcutting being it is no fun to stress. Rushing makes the travel boring, I can't experience the environment but have to rush through.

The best days so far have been the ones I've casually cruised south, enjoyed the scenery, stopped whenever I wanted to and just taken in the energies. Those days I've only made about 30 km, though, so maybe I need some lazy days and some others with a clear goal. Far enough to make good progress and with food and a shower awaiting. For this, WarmShowers.org has proved excellent!

On average I've done about 50 km a day, which is quite a lot, though. There really is no need to stress. Looking at Google Maps I have less then half the way left to Berlin! That would mean I could really relax and enjoy and in fact, travel half speed. Which of course would hit back with a vengeance! ;) So, I won't, but still, I think I can relax.

But I do need to take care when I camp! Setting up a tent in Germany is quite a gray area and it seems the best thing is to simply ask. Ask the locals or the "Forstamt", the forester authorities.

The beauty of the Swedish west coast

I have realised I will not have time to do all that detailed travel reporting I thought there would be plenty of time for. The days go by while biking, finding a camp spot, setting up the camp, sleeping (plenty!), tearing down the camp... But I will tell you about two beautiful, secluded spots where you can camp, that I've found so far.

Ölmanäs Past the last houses on Mor Annas väg, follow a horse trail and you will see the cliffs on your right eventually. You can't see the ocean but hear it and it is secluded, even if some people walk or ride past. Follow the trail pass the sewage plant (yeah nothing is perfect) and walk right for a swim.
Map 1 October 2016

Gamla Köpstad Just south of Träslövsläge there are some trees by the water that hide a close to perfect camping ground:
Map 3 October 2016
The highway is noicy but where can you find silence these days? A lot of people walk by but they can hardly see you hidden behind the trees.